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Out wandering again

Well, it was only a matter of time. My mind has wandered away from stand-up comedy and into writing. Keep you posted on that.

Lincoln, IL

On my way to Comedy 10k in Dubuque, Iowa. Stopped in Lincoln, IL. Was planning on stopping in Springfield, but just a heads up, you cannot get a hotel room in Springfield on Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday and you have a darn hard time getting one to the north of them in Lincoln. A hotel desk clerk was explaining to me that a lot of workers stay around here in the first part of the week, but I failed to ask what kind of workers. I will check on that.

IMG_0726Meanwhile, took a little stroll around the truck stop parking lot this morning and somebody’s transporting a carnival. Caused me to really think about how I pay good money to climb into metal cage and get spun around.

Also, I totally know the horses are plastic, but I would have felt better if they hadn’t had to ride all that way upside down.IMG_0733

200px-Dog_the_Bounty_Hunter_logo
Tennessee is a many-splendored thing. On the front page of this morning’s paper we learn that Dog the Bounty Hunter is “leading the pack” of CMT shows. On the editorial page we have a brief biography of Samuel Beckett in honor of his birthday.

In keeping with the theme, I believe I’ll have champagne and barbecue for lunch. 220px-Samuel_Beckett,_Pic,_1

TOTALLY KIDDING!!! Barbecue gives me a headache.

 

 

Lately I’ve been noticing how there are little pieces of Nashville scattered all over the world and little pieces of the world scattered all over Nashville.

Was wandering around King Street in Charleston, SC last Saturday and found myself staring into the piercing eyes of the Man in Black.

True, Chucktown is not exactly on the other side of the globe from Nashvegas and one would expect any vintage poster gallery worth it’s salt to have at least ONE poster of Johnny Cash, but I honestly cannot think of a better way to start 2013 than meeting Johnny in the Holy City. (For future reference, I was in the Julia Santen Gallery and if you love vintage posters, you will want to stop by. Amazing.)

Going to be a good year.

 

Wow! Just wow! So proud to be a part of it. Mostly because, as you may have heard if you’ve seen my shows, I owe a BIG shout out to the United States Army for my birth. They gave my Dad the weekend off 51 years ago, and badabing, here I am! I also owe a big shout out to the Catholic Church, because that rhythm method does not work.

When I first hear that Nashville was replacing it’s traditional New Year’s Eve guitar drop with a musical note drop, I went all conspiracy theory on Dick Clark’s a**. (Please note, Dick Clark has NOTHING to do with New Year’s Eve in Nashville, but he does universally represent the holiday. Kind of like Santa and Christmas. He is the face of Auld Lang Syne. Or in his case really, really, really Old Lang Syne.)

I read the “official” reasons and immediately dismissed them as party propoganda. (Not “party” as in “political.” “Party” as in “party.”) Those reasons were:

  • We want to highlight Nashville’s unique personality and other cities, like Memphis and Niagara Falls, also drop a guitar at midnight on New Year’s Eve.
    First of all, I totally get why Memphis would drop a guitar. Delta Blues, Elvis, Sun Records. That list goes on and on, but Niagara Falls? Seriously? When I think of cities that are musical hotbeds, Niagara Falls does not come to mind. A crystal replica of a Buffalo Chicken Wing? Perfect. Buffalo guitar? Fail.
  • There is more to the Nashville music scene than just guitars. A musical note represents ALL the styles and instruments of this great city.
    Okay, I’ll play this little game. Blues? Awesome in Nashville. First instrument that comes to mind? A guitar. Rock and Roll? Same. It’s not like we were getting all bluegrass-centric and dropping a crystal replica of a Allison Kraus’ fiddle. (As an aside, I would totally vote for that.) It’s true we have a fabulous symphony, of which we are very proud, but you know, there is just nothing sexy about dropping a timpani at midnight. (Dear percussionists, please do not send me hate mail about this. I am certain that YOU personally are sexy, but the timpani and xylophone are not the first thing that comes to mind when making a list of sexy musical instruments.)

That’s when the conspiracy theory part of my brain fired up and I became convinced and was fairly certain that I could PROVE that we weren’t dropping a guitar this year because it was a Gibson and Federal Agents had confiscated it along with the alleged contraband rosewood and ebony. (Again, please hold on the hate mail one way or the other. I honestly do not know who is in the right here. I’m really only talking about New Year’s Eve.) Then I realized, there was a flaw in my thinking. They’re dropping a guitar in Memphis and the Feds raided the Gibson plant there too. Conspiracy theory blown out of the water. I was wrong and I HATE when that happens.

So here’s the real story. Until this year, the New Year’s Eve Music City Bash was sponsored by the Hard Rock Cafe and the Hard Rock Cafe owns the trademark to the Guitar Drop. Seems a little scrooge-like, but okay, Hard Rock. If you want to be the Grinch who stole the New Year’s Guitar Drop from Nashville, knock yourself out. But Nashville, come on! The “Music Drop?” Generic. Not sexy. We can do better. I’m going back the crystal fiddle idea. (You are free to argue that the fiddle is not sexy, but in this case, you are wrong.) How about a replica of Bill Monroe’s mandolin? Sequined boots? Dolly’s cleavage? Minnie Pearl’s hat? Let’s get our thinking cowboy hats on and solve this thing.

 

Okay, now I’m worried.

I figured out pretty early on that there were limits to Santa’s surveillance powers. I was five when I grasped the concept behind the story that the quantity and quality of my Christmas morning gifts hinged on what information Santa’s Children’s Reconnaissance Bureau had gathered on my behavior during the year. The story was always a little shady. My hard-hitting questions about the logistics behind the whole thing were always answered with, “It’s magic.” Kind of like asking a tough question in a Catholic school religion class and getting the “It’s a mystery” answer. For example:

Q: How does Santa see EVERYTHING every single child does?
A: It’s magic.

Q: If I’m doing something wrong at the same time as some kid in China, how does Santa see us both?
A: It’s magic. Plus, with the time difference, kids in China will be asleep while you’re awake, so Santa is watching the United States during those hours.
Q: Well, if I was a kid in China and I was going to steal a couple of yen from my mother’s purse, I would do that in the middle of the night, which would be the same time I am awake. So Santa would miss it if he was watching me.
A: It’s magic. And, if by the way, if you stole money from my purse, Santa totally saw that and put it on his list.

At that point, I decided to stop this line of questioning before I incriminated myself. Time to be quiet and hedge my bets that Santa was focused on the wicked ways of children on the other side of the globe during the nighttime hours at my house. Time to clam up and see how the whole thing played out on Christmas morning.

Christmas morning was fabulous. That is when I realized Santa hadn’t seen sh** and I quit worrying about it.

Until I read this. If our own local law enforcement, border patrol, search and rescue teams, etc are using unmanned drones to spy on our own selves, that can only mean one thing. SO IS SANTA.

Kids, it’s game over on slipping anything past the big guy. I’d go ahead and put the money back in your mother’s purse if I were you.

 

For the last two weeks, university administrators all over this great country have been stunned by a huge increase in applications from potential history majors.

“If you’d asked me two weeks ago, if our history program was going to survive, let alone expand, I would have called you a crackhead,” the president of a local university said. “Now, we’re starting construction on an entirely new history building with the funds from next semester’s enrollment alone.”

When asked to explain what caused this huge surge in the studies of the past, she replied, “Two words. Newt Gingrich. That man single-handedly saved the history department of this university from becoming history itself. When Newt announced he’d made 1.6 million dollars working as a historian for Freddie Mac, high school graduates all over the country said, ‘I want a piece of that.'”

Okay, first of all, I’m just going to come clean about the fact that, until recently, I thought his name was Kim Jong the Second, because when you put a capital I beside a lower case L it looks like the Roman Numeral 2. There. I’ve said it. I’m not proud of it, but it is the truth.

Secondly, he had the crazy hair, like Donald Trump has the crazy hair, but Kim Jong Il shaved the sides of his head, proving that his hair is actually grows on the top of his head. Donald Trump’s does not. This dig at the Donald by Kim Jong Il may not have been intentional, but it had to hurt.

Third, I have never watched the Manchurian Candidate, but think I will do that over the Christmas break, although from what I understand, Angela Lansbury is really a villain in that movie. Not sure I can get my mind around that, but I will try.

Because so many of the reports by the American media these days are designed not to inform but to freak us out, I was REALLY hoping that reports of the threat of political instability in the country combined with a nuclear weapons capability were overblown and that the media is amping the story up for effect. Basically, I was hoping that the danger, like the Kardashian wedding, was not real. Figured I’d  look online for reports coming out of South Korea and according to the Korea Herald, everyone is paying close attention, but “no unusual military movement was detected in the North immediately after the announcement.”

I know one thing for sure, if Colonel Potter were still alive, I’d feel better about things.

In response to pressure from the right-wing group, the Florida Family Association, Lowe’s Home Improvement cancelled it’s advertising for the television show All-American Muslim. Because, as the group explained to them, Muslims do not build things. They blow them up. And that show All-American Muslim NEVER shows them blowing things up. Never.

So obviously when the families featured in the show are engaging in terrorists activities–and the FFA KNOWS they do–TLC just turns off the cameras. Well, that’s a problem America, and the Florida Family Association is here to tell you why. According to a spokesperson, that show is “clearly designed to counter legitimate and present-day concerns about many Muslims who are advancing Islamic fundamentalism and Sharia law.”

TLC, you’ve been served! The Florida Family Association has called you on your obvious strategy to subvert American values, and Lowe’s has listened. From here on out they are only going to buy advertising on shows that build up this great nation like Pageant Moms and Brides of Beverly Hills.

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