Her mind wanders
Apr 24th, 2012 by barb
Wow! Just wow! So proud to be a part of it. Mostly because, as you may have heard if you’ve seen my shows, I owe a BIG shout out to the United States Army for my birth. They gave my Dad the weekend off 51 years ago, and badabing, here I am! I also owe a big shout out to the Catholic Church, because that rhythm method does not work.
Dec 30th, 2011 by barb
When I first hear that Nashville was replacing it’s traditional New Year’s Eve guitar drop with a musical note drop, I went all conspiracy theory on Dick Clark’s a**. (Please note, Dick Clark has NOTHING to do with New Year’s Eve in Nashville, but he does universally represent the holiday. Kind of like Santa and Christmas. He is the face of Auld Lang Syne. Or in his case really, really, really Old Lang Syne.)
I read the “official” reasons and immediately dismissed them as party propoganda. (Not “party” as in “political.” “Party” as in “party.”) Those reasons were:
That’s when the conspiracy theory part of my brain fired up and I became convinced and was fairly certain that I could PROVE that we weren’t dropping a guitar this year because it was a Gibson and Federal Agents had confiscated it along with the alleged contraband rosewood and ebony. (Again, please hold on the hate mail one way or the other. I honestly do not know who is in the right here. I’m really only talking about New Year’s Eve.) Then I realized, there was a flaw in my thinking. They’re dropping a guitar in Memphis and the Feds raided the Gibson plant there too. Conspiracy theory blown out of the water. I was wrong and I HATE when that happens.
So here’s the real story. Until this year, the New Year’s Eve Music City Bash was sponsored by the Hard Rock Cafe and the Hard Rock Cafe owns the trademark to the Guitar Drop. Seems a little scrooge-like, but okay, Hard Rock. If you want to be the Grinch who stole the New Year’s Guitar Drop from Nashville, knock yourself out. But Nashville, come on! The “Music Drop?” Generic. Not sexy. We can do better. I’m going back the crystal fiddle idea. (You are free to argue that the fiddle is not sexy, but in this case, you are wrong.) How about a replica of Bill Monroe’s mandolin? Sequined boots? Dolly’s cleavage? Minnie Pearl’s hat? Let’s get our thinking cowboy hats on and solve this thing.
Dec 22nd, 2011 by barb
Okay, now I’m worried.
I figured out pretty early on that there were limits to Santa’s surveillance powers. I was five when I grasped the concept behind the story that the quantity and quality of my Christmas morning gifts hinged on what information Santa’s Children’s Reconnaissance Bureau had gathered on my behavior during the year. The story was always a little shady. My hard-hitting questions about the logistics behind the whole thing were always answered with, “It’s magic.” Kind of like asking a tough question in a Catholic school religion class and getting the “It’s a mystery” answer. For example:
Q: How does Santa see EVERYTHING every single child does?
A: It’s magic.
Q: If I’m doing something wrong at the same time as some kid in China, how does Santa see us both?
A: It’s magic. Plus, with the time difference, kids in China will be asleep while you’re awake, so Santa is watching the United States during those hours.
Q: Well, if I was a kid in China and I was going to steal a couple of yen from my mother’s purse, I would do that in the middle of the night, which would be the same time I am awake. So Santa would miss it if he was watching me.
A: It’s magic. And, if by the way, if you stole money from my purse, Santa totally saw that and put it on his list.
At that point, I decided to stop this line of questioning before I incriminated myself. Time to be quiet and hedge my bets that Santa was focused on the wicked ways of children on the other side of the globe during the nighttime hours at my house. Time to clam up and see how the whole thing played out on Christmas morning.
Christmas morning was fabulous. That is when I realized Santa hadn’t seen sh** and I quit worrying about it.
Until I read this. If our own local law enforcement, border patrol, search and rescue teams, etc are using unmanned drones to spy on our own selves, that can only mean one thing. SO IS SANTA.
Kids, it’s game over on slipping anything past the big guy. I’d go ahead and put the money back in your mother’s purse if I were you.
For the last two weeks, university administrators all over this great country have been stunned by a huge increase in applications from potential history majors.
“If you’d asked me two weeks ago, if our history program was going to survive, let alone expand, I would have called you a crackhead,” the president of a local university said. “Now, we’re starting construction on an entirely new history building with the funds from next semester’s enrollment alone.”
When asked to explain what caused this huge surge in the studies of the past, she replied, “Two words. Newt Gingrich. That man single-handedly saved the history department of this university from becoming history itself. When Newt announced he’d made 1.6 million dollars working as a historian for Freddie Mac, high school graduates all over the country said, ‘I want a piece of that.’”
Dec 19th, 2011 by barb
Okay, first of all, I’m just going to come clean about the fact that, until recently, I thought his name was Kim Jong the Second, because when you put a capital I beside a lower case L it looks like the Roman Numeral 2. There. I’ve said it. I’m not proud of it, but it is the truth.
Secondly, he had the crazy hair, like Donald Trump has the crazy hair, but Kim Jong Il shaved the sides of his head, proving that his hair is actually grows on the top of his head. Donald Trump’s does not. This dig at the Donald by Kim Jong Il may not have been intentional, but it had to hurt.
Third, I have never watched the Manchurian Candidate, but think I will do that over the Christmas break, although from what I understand, Angela Lansbury is really a villain in that movie. Not sure I can get my mind around that, but I will try.
Because so many of the reports by the American media these days are designed not to inform but to freak us out, I was REALLY hoping that reports of the threat of political instability in the country combined with a nuclear weapons capability were overblown and that the media is amping the story up for effect. Basically, I was hoping that the danger, like the Kardashian wedding, was not real. Figured I’d look online for reports coming out of South Korea and according to the Korea Herald, everyone is paying close attention, but “no unusual military movement was detected in the North immediately after the announcement.”
I know one thing for sure, if Colonel Potter were still alive, I’d feel better about things.
Dec 15th, 2011 by barb
In response to pressure from the right-wing group, the Florida Family Association, Lowe’s Home Improvement cancelled it’s advertising for the television show All-American Muslim. Because, as the group explained to them, Muslims do not build things. They blow them up. And that show All-American Muslim NEVER shows them blowing things up. Never.
So obviously when the families featured in the show are engaging in terrorists activities–and the FFA KNOWS they do–TLC just turns off the cameras. Well, that’s a problem America, and the Florida Family Association is here to tell you why. According to a spokesperson, that show is “clearly designed to counter legitimate and present-day concerns about many Muslims who are advancing Islamic fundamentalism and Sharia law.”
TLC, you’ve been served! The Florida Family Association has called you on your obvious strategy to subvert American values, and Lowe’s has listened. From here on out they are only going to buy advertising on shows that build up this great nation like Pageant Moms and Brides of Beverly Hills.
Dec 14th, 2011 by barb
I go on and on about how bloggers are SO quick to react to one little piece of news without getting the whole story. I’m pretty arrogant about it and when I talk about it I adopt an air of lofty superiority. People in glass houses, Barb Neligan. People in glass houses.
When I first heard the Donald’s announcement that he was not going to host the Republican Presidential debate in Iowa, I just willy, nilly jumped to the unfounded conclusion it was because all the candidates except Newt and Rick Santorum declined the Donald’s invitation to bask in his orange glow.
Wrong! The Donald took me to school when he explained, “that he was stepping back in order to preserve the option of running for president in case he’s not satisfied that the eventual Republican nominee can defeat President Barack Obama.”
Well, duh! Of course! I mean in the back of my mind, I’ve known all along if it looked like the Republicans were not going to select a candidate that could win in November, the Donald could effortlessly swoop in and beat Obama with one comb-over tied behind his back. (Which if his hair is laying right, it actually is long enough to reach his back. Kind of impressive.)
I mean he could have TOTALLY had the nomination sown up by now, but hasn’t REALLY tried. He’s busy. And besides he wanted to give those lesser mortals a shot at it. But if the Republican kids screw it up, well, he supposes he’s just going to have to step in and fix. I mean, it’s not like winning the nomination is hard.
Geez. It’s hard to be the Donald.
Dec 9th, 2011 by barb
Perry and Bachman are out. As of right now, the debate moderated by the Donald is on with Gingrich and Santorum as the only candidates participating. Given the Donald’s personality, my guess is he will forge ahead and will not cancel, which can only be good for Newt. In that situation, Newt is going to eviscerate Santorum.
But, if we can just talk about me for minute, this really throws a monkey wrench in my plan to create a game with roughly the same rules as a debate drinking game, but instead of doing a shot every time a candidate uses a predictable buzzword, money gets donated to charity.
The whole idea started with a joke about of a million dollars being donated to charity if a candidate said the phrase “You’re fired” during the Donald debate. But now, if the debate really does happen, I say we revise the rules to reflect the players on the field AND make the money real. For example, if Santorum says (and he will) “Shining beacon on the hill” viewers donate one dollar to the charity/cause of their choice.
Rule suggestions welcome.
Dec 6th, 2011 by barb
Yesterday, I stared working on some ground rules for the Donald Debate we could use to not only minimize the pain of the event, but also save some puppies, kids, or old people in the process.
Now Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman say, they’re skipping this party. Which is sad really because I’m guessing this won’t be the first time the Donald has ended up with a bunch of leftover beer and cheese dip at the end of what he was hoping was going to be a big night with the cool kids.
And I’m betting the other kids are going to talk some SERIOUS smack about Ron and Jon, so we’re going to need to adjust the ground rules accordingly. So here’s a couple new ones.
Okay, will keep working on these.
Dec 5th, 2011 by barb
When I first heard that the Donald was moderating a GOP debate, I thought, “Now that’s a perfect occasion for a drinking game.” But to be honest, I’m 50 and the Donald is just not worth the hangover. Then I realized that if we set up the right ground rules, we could enjoy the spectacle AND save some puppies or something. Here’s my first pass.
Okay, I’m going to keep working on these. We have a little time.
