I read the “official” reasons and immediately dismissed them as party propoganda. (Not “party” as in “political.” “Party” as in “party.”) Those reasons were:

• We want to highlight Nashville’s unique personality and other cities, like Memphis and Niagara Falls, also drop a guitar at midnight on New Year’s Eve.
  First of all, I totally get why Memphis would drop a guitar. Delta Blues, Elvis, Sun Records. That list goes on and on, but Niagara Falls? Seriously? When I think of cities that are musical hotbeds, Niagara Falls does not come to mind. A crystal replica of a Buffalo Chicken Wing? Perfect. Buffalo guitar? Fail.
• There is more to the Nashville music scene than just guitars. A musical note represents ALL the styles and instruments of this great city.
  Okay, I’ll play this little game. Blues? Awesome in Nashville. First instrument that comes to mind? A guitar. Rock and Roll? Same. It’s not like we were getting all bluegrass-centric and dropping a crystal replica of a Allison Kraus’ fiddle. (As an aside, I would totally vote for that.) It’s true we have a fabulous symphony, of which we are very proud, but you know, there is just nothing sexy about dropping a timpani at midnight. (Dear percussionists, please do not send me hate mail about this. I am certain that YOU personally are sexy, but the timpani and xylophone are not the first thing that comes to mind when making a list of sexy musical instruments.)

That’s when the conspiracy theory part of my brain fired up and I became convinced and was fairly certain that I could PROVE that we weren’t dropping a guitar this year because it was a Gibson and Federal Agents had confiscated it along with the alleged contraband rosewood and ebony. (Again, please hold on the hate mail one way or the other. I honestly do not know who is in the right here. I’m really only talking about New Year’s Eve.) Then I realized, there was a flaw in my thinking. They’re dropping a guitar in Memphis and the Feds raided the Gibson plant there too. Conspiracy theory blown out of the water. I was wrong and I HATE when that happens.

So here’s the real story. Until this year, the New Year’s Eve Music City Bash was sponsored by the Hard Rock Cafe and the Hard Rock Cafe owns the trademark to the Guitar Drop. Seems a little scrooge-like, but okay, Hard Rock. If you want to be the Grinch who stole the New Year’s Guitar Drop from Nashville, knock yourself out. But Nashville, come on! The “Music Drop?” Generic. Not sexy. We can do better. I’m going back the crystal fiddle idea. (You are free to argue that the fiddle is not sexy, but in this case, you are wrong.) How about a replica of Bill Monroe’s mandolin? Sequined boots? Dolly’s cleavage? Minnie Pearl’s hat? Let’s get our thinking cowboy hats on and solve this thing.

I figured out pretty early on that there were limits to Santa’s surveillance powers. I was five when I grasped the concept behind the story that the quantity and quality of my Christmas morning gifts hinged on what information Santa’s Children’s Reconnaissance Bureau had gathered on my behavior during the year. The story was always a little shady. My hard-hitting questions about the logistics behind the whole thing were always answered with, “It’s magic.” Kind of like asking a tough question in a Catholic school religion class and getting the “It’s a mystery” answer. For example:

Q: How does Santa see EVERYTHING every single child does?
A: It’s magic.

Q: If I’m doing something wrong at the same time as some kid in China, how does Santa see us both?
A: It’s magic. Plus, with the time difference, kids in China will be asleep while you’re awake, so Santa is watching the United States during those hours.
Q: Well, if I was a kid in China and I was going to steal a couple of yen from my mother’s purse, I would do that in the middle of the night, which would be the same time I am awake. So Santa would miss it if he was watching me.
A: It’s magic. And, if by the way, if you stole money from my purse, Santa totally saw that and put it on his list.

At that point, I decided to stop this line of questioning before I incriminated myself. Time to be quiet and hedge my bets that Santa was focused on the wicked ways of children on the other side of the globe during the nighttime hours at my house. Time to clam up and see how the whole thing played out on Christmas morning.

Christmas morning was fabulous. That is when I realized Santa hadn’t seen sh** and I quit worrying about it.

Until I read this. If our own local law enforcement, border patrol, search and rescue teams, etc are using unmanned drones to spy on our own selves, that can only mean one thing. SO IS SANTA.

Kids, it’s game over on slipping anything past the big guy. I’d go ahead and put the money back in your mother’s purse if I were you.

“If you’d asked me two weeks ago, if our history program was going to survive, let alone expand, I would have called you a crackhead,” the president of a local university said. “Now, we’re starting construction on an entirely new history building with the funds from next semester’s enrollment alone.”

When asked to explain what caused this huge surge in the studies of the past, she replied, “Two words. Newt Gingrich. That man single-handedly saved the history department of this university from becoming history itself. When Newt announced he’d made 1.6 million dollars working as a historian for Freddie Mac, high school graduates all over the country said, ‘I want a piece of that.’”

Secondly, he had the crazy hair, like Donald Trump has the crazy hair, but Kim Jong Il shaved the sides of his head, proving that his hair is actually grows on the top of his head. Donald Trump’s does not. This dig at the Donald by Kim Jong Il may not have been intentional, but it had to hurt.

Third, I have never watched the Manchurian Candidate, but think I will do that over the Christmas break, although from what I understand, Angela Lansbury is really a villain in that movie. Not sure I can get my mind around that, but I will try.

Because so many of the reports by the American media these days are designed not to inform but to freak us out, I was REALLY hoping that reports of the threat of political instability in the country combined with a nuclear weapons capability were overblown and that the media is amping the story up for effect. Basically, I was hoping that the danger, like the Kardashian wedding, was not real. Figured I’d  look online for reports coming out of South Korea and according to the Korea Herald, everyone is paying close attention, but “no unusual military movement was detected in the North immediately after the announcement.”

I know one thing for sure, if Colonel Potter were still alive, I’d feel better about things.

So obviously when the families featured in the show are engaging in terrorists activities–and the FFA KNOWS they do–TLC just turns off the cameras. Well, that’s a problem America, and the Florida Family Association is here to tell you why. According to a spokesperson, that show is “clearly designed to counter legitimate and present-day concerns about many Muslims who are advancing Islamic fundamentalism and Sharia law.”

TLC, you’ve been served! The Florida Family Association has called you on your obvious strategy to subvert American values, and Lowe’s has listened. From here on out they are only going to buy advertising on shows that build up this great nation like Pageant Moms and Brides of Beverly Hills.

When I first heard the Donald’s announcement that he was not going to host the Republican Presidential debate in Iowa, I just willy, nilly jumped to the unfounded conclusion it was because all the candidates except Newt and Rick Santorum declined the Donald’s invitation to bask in his orange glow.

Wrong! The Donald took me to school when he explained, “that he was stepping back in order to preserve the option of running for president in case he’s not satisfied that the eventual Republican nominee can defeat President Barack Obama.”

Well, duh! Of course! I mean in the back of my mind, I’ve known all along if it looked like the Republicans were not going to select a candidate that could win in November, the Donald could effortlessly swoop in and beat Obama with one comb-over tied behind his back. (Which if his hair is laying right, it actually is long enough to reach his back. Kind of impressive.)

I mean he could have TOTALLY had the nomination sown up by now, but hasn’t REALLY tried. He’s busy. And besides he wanted to give those lesser mortals a shot at it. But if the Republican kids screw it up, well, he supposes he’s just going to have to step in and fix. I mean, it’s not like winning the nomination is hard.

Geez. It’s hard to be the Donald.

But, if we can just talk about me for minute, this really throws a monkey wrench in my plan to create a game with roughly the same rules as a debate drinking game, but instead of doing a shot every time a candidate uses a predictable buzzword, money gets donated to charity.

The whole idea started with a joke about of a million dollars being donated to charity if a candidate said the phrase “You’re fired” during the Donald debate. But now, if the debate really does happen, I say we revise the rules to reflect the players on the field AND make the money real. For example, if Santorum says (and he will) “Shining beacon on the hill” viewers donate one dollar to the charity/cause of their choice.

Rule suggestions welcome.

Now Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman say, they’re skipping this party. Which is sad really because I’m guessing this won’t be the first time the Donald has ended up with a bunch of leftover beer and cheese dip at the end of what he was hoping was going to be a big night with the cool kids.

And I’m betting the other kids are going to talk some SERIOUS smack about Ron and Jon, so we’re going to need to adjust the ground rules accordingly. So here’s a couple new ones.

• If Bachman, Gingrich, Romney, Perry or Santorum say Ron or Jon are “UnAmerican” or “Out of touch with the American people” because they refused to be a cast member of “Survivor: White House” — a million bucks to charity.

• If The Donald “laughs and calls them names” no money is awarded, but he is off Santa’s “good list.”

• If Santorum says “Shining Beacon on the Hill” — a million bucks to charity. (That has nothing to do with The Donald. That will be the millionth time he’s said it, and I’m thinking SOMEONE ought to get compensated.)

Okay, will keep working on these.

• If any candidate turns to another candidate mid-debate and says “You’re fired!” the candidate who says it gets fined 1 million dollars to be donated to a charity of the “fired” candidate’s choice. Same thing if a candidate says the sentence, “Well, Donald I would say ‘President Obama, you’re fired.’” A million bucks to charity. (Come on speechwriters, every single one of you has already written that phrase and put it on a cue card for you candidate. You know it. We know it.)

• Same thing, a million bucks to charity, f the Donald refers to himself in the third person, as he did in the USA Today article,  Trump told MSNBC. “I thought it would certainly be a little change of pace for Donald Trump, so I’ll do something I haven’t done before.”

• If Omarosa shows up and anyone tells her she looks like Michelle Obama, a million bucks to the kids. (Where is Omarosa these days, anyway?)

Okay, I’m going to keep working on these. We have a little time.

Okay, that’s not funny and doesn’t have anything to do with good ole’ boys. Here’s the funny, good ole’ boys part. According to the Tennessean (America’s most trusted news source) communication with the craft is SO bad, “Controllers were forced to ask people in South America to scan the sky to see if the engines fired.”

Note, it did not say “scientists” in South America. Just “people.” Like they called some buddies and asked them to run outside during a commercial break and give them a shout if they saw something shiny.

Tomorrow Russia is sending someone up to jiggle the wires.